Situation Normal
by Cate Lynn
Summary: Commander Shepard is a marine, a career woman, and the best humanity has to offer. That means the situation is always normal. Even if she doesn't like it. Shenko, a special guest star, post-ME1 adventure!
1. Windbags

"I'll preface this by saying I would like to end this meeting with all my teeth still in place," Ambassador Udina said dryly, shooting a pointed look at Captain Anderson, seated beside him.

"You should thank him for what he did," Commander Shepard all but spat out from across the table, jabbing a finger in the ambassador's direction.

From his commander's side, Lieutenant Alenko added, "If the Normandy were still grounded..." he trailed off, his gaze lingering briefly on Shepard as he finished softly, "we'd all be dead right now."

The four of them were seated around a small table in a densely crowded restaurant. Udina seemed to have grown impatient and had begun the meeting before anyone had finished what they'd ordered; the table was littered with half-eaten meals and mugs of coffee.

Udina had been the catalyst for this meeting, gathering Anderson, Shepard, and Alenko together with the dramatic yet vague explanation: "To determine the fate of humanity." She had wondered if he had been trying to be funny, but ruled that out quickly. The ambassador was always conveniently forgetting that Shepard was too often finding herself determining the fate of humanity. As this thought crossed her mind briefly, she could barely keep from rolling her eyes.

Shaking his head and waving his hand dismissively, Udina responded blandly, "I understand the captain did what he had to do. However, we haven't brought you here to discuss my dentist bill."

The three officers seated with the ambassador all exchanged looks of mild amusement as Udina paused for dramatic effect. "The Council will be wanting to speak with you regarding a certain matter, Commander, now that you're awake," Udina informed Shepard. He narrowed his eyes and his tone grew harsher as he added, "You did take your time recovering—"

"You have got to be kidding me," Kaidan breathed, his voice barely a whisper, but all of them heard him regardless.

Considering she had been bleeding internally, Shepard thought she had recovered fairly quickly. She tried not to scowl at the ambassador.

Udina seemed to get the point and didn't continue his thought. Instead, Anderson picked up where the ambassador had left off. "The Council recognized our efforts in the attack on the Citadel," he explained, leaning forward to place his elbows on the table. "It seems they're ready to accept humanity into their ranks."

"The role you've played in shaping recent events means your opinion carries with it heavy weight," Udina continued for the captain, his voice full of meaning and, Shepard thought privately, that note of arrogance that seemed permanently etched into his tone. "We have already compiled a list of potential candidates for the position, but the Council will be wanting to know whom you think is best."

"So why call me into this meeting, and not have the Council speak with me directly?" Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The Council is holding a ceremony to pay tribute to what you and your team have done," Udina began, giving a brief nod of acknowledgement to Kaidan. "We've called you here... beforehand... to make sure you understand the situation, and prepare you," Udina answered. "You need to choose someone who has the necessary experience—"

"Captain Anderson," Shepard replied smoothly, cutting the ambassador off without batting an eye. She wasn't going to let Udina sneak in any tricks to influence her choice.

This seemed to dumbfound Udina for a moment. After a her answer hung in the air for a moment, he asked, "Are you... sure about this, Commander? He's a soldier, not a politician. Prefers to let his fists do the talking."

"Only with you, Ambassador," the captain offered cheerily, leaning back in his seat. "Only with you."

Shepard's mind was working quickly, racing through all the reasons Anderson would make a better Council member. She couldn't say that she just didn't like Udina. "We're about to go into war. We need someone with military experience. Someone with the courage to stand up for what he believes in," she added, trying to keep a snide tone from slipping out as she recalled the moment the ambassador had grounded the Normandy.

"Very well," Udina conceded. Detecting a hint of bitterness in his voice, the commander fought a smirk that was threatening to spread across her face.

"Is that all, sir?" Shepard asked, directing the question to Anderson.

"Yes, Commander," the captain answered. "The ceremony is tomorrow at nineteen hundred hours, at some volus hotel. I'll forward the address to you. It's a banquet, so come hungry."

The two older men slid their chairs back and rose from the table. Shepard and Kaidan both stood to salute the captain and both he and Udina nodded and departed.

"Well, I suppose we should get going too," Kaidan said softly, once the other two men were out of earshot.

Briefly, Shepard met his gaze and nodded her agreement, understanding what he meant. "Don't want anyone getting the wrong impression," she agreed a little forlornly.

"Or, y'know, the right one," Kaidan pointed out with a soft chuckle.

Snorting softly in amusement, Shepard turned to leave, Kaidan close behind her. As they exited the restaurant, Shepard found herself, not for the first time, marveling at the Citadel: the people who carried on with their lives, not knowing exactly how much danger they had just been in only days ago, and how much danger was yet to come.

Most of the Citadel was still intact, aside from the Presidium, and until all the details had been worked out, just about everything was classified, so hardly anyone knew that an incredibly advanced AI had just tried to wipe everyone on the Citadel out, and summon some playmates to do the same to rest of the galaxy. Shepard had heard various rumours about what could have taken place, and had to admit that there were some very creative people out there.

"So, a banquet," Kaidan mused, breaking the comfortable silence between them as they made their way slowly along a crowded street, headed back to the Normandy.

Shepard had a feeling that she knew what Kaidan was thinking about. How they couldn't go to this banquet—or anywhere—_together_. Both she and Kaidan would be going, but he would be going as her subordinate. As a member of her crew, just like the rest of the soldiers aboard the Normandy would be doing. They'd continue pretending like nothing was going on between them. They were both career people; they had known what they were getting themselves into when they went down this path. Stolen moments, secrecy.

As an attempt at lightening the dreary mood that had suddenly wrapped itself around the pair, she joked, "Bringing a date?"

Half-smiling, Kaidan shook his head. He looked pensive for a moment, then said, "I wonder if we really knew what we were getting into when we, uh... before we touched down on Ilos."

Swallowing, Shepard shot him a glance and found he was looking at her the same way she was looking at him. A warm tingle rushed through her. The couple broke their gaze awkwardly and stared directly ahead as they moved forward. Shepard shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the lusty fog that had settled in.

Kaidan cleared his throat, his hand moving to rub the back of his neck. "Anyway. We both knew about regs and rules. I think we made that part pretty clear. Maybe it's been too long since I've... felt this way about anyone, but I guess I just forgot what it feels like when you can't have something that you... want," he finished a little lamely.

Shepard found herself half-smiling at the man she was growing to care very deeply about. There was just a part of him that she found absolutely adorable. When it came to her lieutenant, there were no silly relationship games, no drama. She had enough to worry about. With Kaidan, except that breaking regs part, everything was easy, open. Honest.

"It's interesting, in a way," Shepard said softly. "How we both knew the career implications this could have, but didn't realize how much hiding all of it would affect us emotionally."

Kaidan nodded. "I guess some days are going be harder than others when you're in l—in our situation," he covered up hastily, shoving his hands into his pockets as they went along.

Her stomach flip-flopped pleasantly. Although she was almost certain of what Kaidan had been about to say, she didn't press the issue. They continued talking as they meandered idly back to the Normandy, taking their time, browsing the occasional military supply shop. It was a nice feeling, one almost of privacy, even in the crowded throngs on the Citadel ward arm. Just the two of them, enjoying the walk, the conversation, and the company. They didn't touch on the subject of their relationship again that day.

* * *

Shepard was starving. "Come hungry," Anderson had said. She scoffed softly under her breath. Formal ceremonies had a way of causing every single person who believed they had the right to speak their mind to prattle on endlessly. The polite term for this being, of course, a "speech."

The ceremony was being held in a large room in a very grand and expensive hotel run by a wealthy volus family. Since she was the one the Council was honouring, she was seated with them and other "notable people" at the head table on a stage, instead of more comfortably among her crew. She was trying very hard not to look extremely bored, and found it increasingly difficult to stifle her yawns. To distract herself, she looked down at the sea of round tables before her.

Her crew took up several tables. There was Kaidan, the first face she looked for, and as she caught his eye, he gave her a very subtle half-smile, which she returned even more subtly. Next to Kaidan was Joker, looking as bored as she felt, his crutches leaning against the back of his chair. She could pick out Adams and Pressly as well, both shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

The non-humans she had grown close with were present as well, scattered here and there, mostly seated at tables with the Normandy's human crew. It felt strange to think of them as "aliens", now, after being through so much together. They seemed no more alien to her now than her hand did, especially judging by their current behaviour. They all seemed just as bored, restless, or uninterested as any of the humans were.

At long last, and after many, many speeches, it seemed there were no more people who felt the need to express the gratefulness of the entire galaxy to Commander Shepard and her crew. _That_ was something for which Shepard herself was immensely grateful. At last she could quell the rumble in her stomach.

While the food was probably the best she'd had in a long time, she found herself wishing the night was over. This would have been easier if she had been allowed to sit with her crew, an officer rather than a hero. She was not a fan of being recognized like this. In truth, she found it rather embarrassing. Put somebody else on the poster, she'd told Kaidan once. Alas, that didn't look like that was going to happen.

She ate her meal and nodded politely along with whatever the volus next to her was chatting about, though she wasn't really paying attention. After some time, it seemed like people had had their fill of both food and windbags for the evening; gradually, they began to trickle out of the room. Shepard pushed back her chair and stood up, trying to make herself as unnoticeable as possible while she hurried over to her crew's tables.

"Commander, I dunno how you did it," Joker said as she joined them around a table. "But I wanted to congratulate you—y'know, on not falling asleep."

Shepard smirked. "Thank you, but I could not have done it without these five hundred people I feel the need to list out and thank individually," she said with mock loftiness. Those seated around the table all chuckled appreciatively.

Her crew was making small talk around the table; those who had been sitting at other tables had pulled up chairs or stood, leaning against the backs of others' chairs. Now that their bellies were filled and they didn't have to listen to a bunch of people they didn't know talk about the things they'd already lived through, they seemed disinclined to leave, even though they had all been offered free rooms for the night.

Remembering this, she subconsciously glanced at Kaidan, wondering, rather daringly, if it would be possible to sneak him into her room unnoticed for the night.

Kaidan, however, was looking a bit pale.

"Alenko, are you okay?" Joker asked, who also seemed to have noticed Kaidan's skin was now several shades lighter. "You look like you saw a gho—"

An unfamiliar voice entered the conversation from behind Shepard: "Commander Shepard?" The heads of her crew swiveled to see who the newcomer was.

Another notable person, probably here to congratulate her. Stifling a sigh, Shepard stood and turned around. She found herself looking at a remarkably attractive woman with long, black hair, creamy skin, and a beautiful smile. She was offering her hand, so Shepard took it.

"Commander Shepard," the woman said again, shaking her hand firmly and vigorously, "it's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Rahna Pamuk."

Shepard blanched as something clicked on in her brain. She whipped her head around to stare at Kaidan, but he only blinked slowly, as if he couldn't believe his eyes. She turned back to face Rahna and swallowed, hoping the action would help her muddle through her next words: "Pleasure's all mine."

* * *

_A/N: My thanks to all the readers for their time, and to Vshard for making this chapter what it is now. Without her help, this chapter would probably be a lot harder to follow, so three cheers for her! Lots more to come. Input welcome._


	2. Off Duty

Throughout her most recent mission, Commander Shepard had found herself facing increasingly unlikely scenarios: geth beyond the veil after 300 years of seclusion, a rachi queen egg lasting through 2000 years of hibernation, and mutant zombies controlled by a sentient and very large plant, just to name a few. However, nothing could have prepared her for this.

"Commander, this is your second Star of Terra?" Rahna Pamuk was asking as Shepard's head was reeling over the fact that her lieutenant's long lost love was standing in front of her.

"Yes," the commander replied, hoping she didn't sound as boggled as she felt.

Rahna positively beamed at her. Shepard wasn't sure what that meant; was Rahna being sincere, or completely fake? "What an accomplishment for you—and for humanity! Your crew must be very proud to serve with you."

A sudden clink and soft glug indicated that someone had knocked over a glass of water. Shepard closed her eyes briefly and silently admonished Kaidan as Rahna's gaze came to rest somewhere over Shepard's right shoulder.

"We are," came Joker's voice, ever-so-slightly defensive. Shepard didn't know if it was his intuition or her behaviour that was telling him she was very uncomfortable, but whatever was clenched around her heart seemed to ease up a little. She wished she could thank him.

Her gaze shifting slightly to the right, Rahna smiled at Joker. "That is good to hear," she told him. "I'm sure your commander feels the same way."

This all was making Shepard feel awkward, which in turn was making her feel frustrated. She could mow down a thousand geth, and one woman was making her feel uncomfortable? The commander chided herself and then forced a brief nod. "Best crew I've ever served with." Though why Rahna was stating all these facts, Shepard didn't know. Perhaps Rahna herself was feeling awkward. Kaidan, just like the rest of her crew, had been called up individually to receive his own award for special services to the galaxy. If she'd been sitting through the whole ceremony, she would have known he was here.

She was probably just using this as an excuse to talk to Kaidan, Shepard realized, and fire seared her stomach and heart at the thought. Just as that thought surfaced, Rahna looked back at Shepard and asked, "Would it be all right if I had a word with Lieutenant Alenko, Commander?"

How could she say no? She couldn't, so she all but choked out the words, "Of course."

Kaidan stood abruptly, knocking his thighs into the table. He murmured a quick apology as glasses wobbled threateningly and then Rahna took him aside. Shepard sank back into her chair, trying to rearrange her face as if this happened every day. Her crew seemed to feel a little bit disconcerted by Rahna's bold approach, and most, feeling uncomfortable, made their excuses and left.

Joker, who had stayed behind, seemed to be watching Rahna and Kaidan's exchange, whereas Shepard couldn't. Shouldn't. Wouldn't. She fought back an overwhelming urge to whip around in her chair and scrutinize their interactions. Instead, she folded her hands and placed them on the table, staring at them intently.

A surprisingly short amount of time later, the air shifted, telling her someone was behind her. She turned in her chair and was looking up into the face of her lieutenant. She couldn't read his expression. "Ma'am?" he began.

"Yes, Alenko?" she prompted, protocol drawing Kaidan's last name from her mouth.

"Rahna has asked me if... if I am free for a drink or two," he said, swallowing somewhat nervously, but otherwise he kept his face straight, just like Shepard was doing. Though she knew it was the right thing to do, part of her wished he'd give some kind of facial indication as to how he was feeling, especially considering what she had to say next.

"Alenko, you're off duty," Shepard informed him. He already knew this; she had a feeling he had only 'asked' to let her know where he was going. Always honest. "You are free to go where you please."

For a brief moment, Shepard let herself watch Kaidan and Rahna leave the grand room together. She turned back around before they'd gone too far; she could only look for so long before it started to look suspicious.

Joker seemed to have something on his mind as Shepard looked at him from across the table. He shifted around and sighed. Silence hung in the air for a moment or two while he appeared to have an internal debate as to whether or not he should voice whatever it was he was thinking about. "Well, Commander, think it's time I hit the hay," he said at length.

"Yeah," Shepard responded dully. She took a deep breath and said more strongly, "Yeah, I think I will too. It's getting late."

"All the excitement of the evening caught up with you, eh?" he asked sardonically, smiling wryly as he gathered himself up with his crutches.

Snorting softly in dark amusement, Shepard muttered, "You could say that."

The commander stood and together, she and Joker headed toward the elevators in companionable silence. Once inside an elevator, they each punched their floor number as the intercom informed them that Synthetic Insights, alongside Noveria's executive board, was still going through litigation with former Administrator Anoleis. Shepard, staring at the floor, smirked and shook her head.

Joker scoffed and gestured at the ceiling—the intercom—with a nod of his head. "Lawyers," he said.

"Bet they're the only ones who will get any... reparations," Shepard replied, emphasizing the last word sarcastically as the elevator came to a halt.

Propelling himself forward with his crutches, Joker made to exit the elevator. "Night, Commander," he said over his shoulder.

"Night, Joker."

Suddenly, Joker stopped just outside the elevator, turning his torso around to look at her and sticking a crutch in front of the elevator door to hold it open. Shepard raised an eyebrow as again he seemed to be struggling with himself. Finally, he simply said, "That Rahna chick. She's crazy, right?"

A soft chuckle escaped the commander's lips. "You think so, eh?"

"Yeah, I do," he said plainly. He paused, then slid the crutch back under his arm. "Well, good night," Joker said again.

* * *

The numbers on the clock were telling Shepard she should be sleeping, but she couldn't. Lying on top of the covers on her hotel bed, she stared blankly at the ceiling as traitorous thoughts swirled in her mind. Where was Kaidan right now? What was he doing? She tried to ignore the answers her mind was all too freely providing.

Groaning, Shepard rolled over and punched the pillow a few times. She tried to think about it logically: the last time Rahna and Kaidan had spoken, Rahna had wanted nothing to do with him. This being over fifteen years ago, maybe she was just looking for closure. Not to mention Kaidan had informed Shepard where he was going, which she knew was meant to relax her, although the implications of where they had gone to 'catch up' left her a little worried. Even the most controlled person in the universe could lose their better judgment with enough alcohol in their system.

_Knock knock._

Shepard sat up and turned on the lamp on her bedside table. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry. A knot settled in her stomach as she slid off the bed and padded over to the door. She squinted at the video screen that displayed her visitor.

As she expected, she was peering at Kaidan. Wordlessly, she opened the door, letting him in. She immediately closed the door after him, leaning back against it as she studied Kaidan's profile in the lamplight. Still in his uniform, he looked handsome, if a little bit worn, slumped against a wall with his hands clasped behind his neck, pulling his head down to stare at his shoes.

"Well, that was..." he began, still looking down while searching for a word to describe what had happened. "Strange."

Swallowing, Shepard nodded slowly in agreement. "No kidding." Her feelings were very mixed. On one hand, she wanted to yell at him, but her logical side debated: for what? It wasn't his fault Rahna had turned up. On the other hand, she desperately wanted to kiss him. This was a rare opportunity. How often would your subordinate wander freely and unnoticed into your hotel room late at night? She didn't want to spend this time fighting. Yet she also really wanted to know: "What happened, Kaidan?" She was surprised at how gentle her tone was.

Her lieutenant finally met her gaze and sighed.

* * *

The music at the hotel bar was loud, assaulting Kaidan's ears. This was not the kind of place Kaidan enjoyed, not to mention the situation was less than desirable. He felt like every nerve in his body was being pulled taut by tiny fingers. He'd have to be careful not to spontaneously break any of his appendages.

He looked down at his drink instead of to his left, where Rahna was seated beside him. They'd been sitting in silence at the bar for almost twenty minutes. Either the music was too loud, or both he and Rahna were feeling to awkward to talk.

"Can _somebody_ turn that _bloody_ racket _DOWN?_" someone yelled angrily. Kaidan looked over his shoulder towards the sound of the voice and saw an imposing turian brandishing a pistol. "Can't hear myself _think!_"

No one seemed to panic at the sight of the firearm, but whoever was in control of the volume quickly lowered it. The turian holstered his weapon, sat back down in his seat and hunched over his drink.

"Looks a little like Vyrnnus," Rahna mumbled softly. Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Did that really have to be the first thing out of her mouth? Rahna ran two fingers across her cheek, as if drawing war paint on it, and explained, "The markings, I mean."

Kaidan sighed. "Look, Rahna—"

Rahna interrupted him with a shake of her head. "Kaidan, I wanted to apologize for what I did to you," she told him, looking at him sincerely.

Sighing again, Kaidan muttered, "That was a long time ago, Rahna. We've both moved past that."

"I know," Rahna admitted. "I just—I've seen the vids, Kaidan. No one knows what happened, and maybe we never will, but that doesn't mean we don't know _something_ happened." She paused and then smirked as she stared at the counter of the bar. "Amazing how those windbags on stage earlier could go on for so long about everything you did without actually knowing what that was."

Kaidan snorted as Rahna continued, her smirk softening into a smile, "You've been all over the news lately. They say you're Commander Shepard's right hand man."

_That's one way of terming it,_ Kaidan thought to himself with mild amusement as he took a swig of his beer.

"So, when I saw that vid, I knew you'd be here," Rahna explained, folding and unfolding her hands anxiously, her gaze still firmly locked on the counter. "Fighting the good fight. Living the dream you'd always talked about back at Brain—BAaT."

Bristling at the mention of "the dream", Kaidan glanced sidelong at her, his beer halfway to his mouth. He remembered, so long ago now, that when he and Rahna had moments alone, he would tell her the stories he'd read or the vids he'd watched as a child about space, the final frontier. He wasn't sure how comfortable he felt with her mentioning it now, though.

Rahna continued hesitantly, "Kaidan, we—we parted... in a way that I... regret." She closed her eyes and seemed to be steeling herself. "I was worried, when I'd heard about... whatever it was that happened here... well, I thought... the worst."

"Well I'm glad it didn't turn out that way," Kaidan responded, attempting to lighten the mood.

Rahna half-smiled and nodded. "I'm just glad I got the chance to apologize for what I... for how I..." she trailed off and then sighed. "You know, I'd prepared this speech beforehand, but now that I'm here, I seem to have forgotten it." She shut her eyes tightly and massaged her temples as if trying to remember.

Kaidan found himself chuckling at her. She opened one black-brown eye and grinned at him. "Look," she said. "You were always a good friend to me, and you needed one then and I turned my back on you. I'm sorry."

Shaking his head at her, Kaidan assured her, "Rahna, it's okay. Really. I've got it all squared away. No hard feelings. Besides, your reaction was pretty normal. Most of the rest of our circle dropped out of contact with me after BAaT was shut down." He took another drink from his beer. "How are they doing, anyway?"

The tension broken, the conversation was much more easy between them now. Rahna told him about the biotics they grew up with that she was still in touch with. A few were housebound, unable to function fully due to pain or insanity, but Kaidan was glad to hear it was less than he'd expected. One was head of a research team designing an L4 implant, another was a surgeon who was skilled with replacing L2 implants with L3 implants—Kaidan shuddered at the thought of going under the knife again.

"How about you?" Kaidan asked. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm doing all right," Rahna answered blithely. "Occasional migraine."

"Yeah, I hear that," he responded dryly.

She smiled in response and continued on about how the last fifteen years of her life had been. She had taken supplemental secondary education courses upon recovering from Brain Camp, so she could attend a university that Kaidan recognized to be very prestigious and very expensive. Ever since then, she'd been working for her father who owned several large and important businesses.

"Married to my career, you might say," she said wryly as she examined her drink. "What about you? What have you been up to all this time?"

Kaidan shrugged. "Took me a while to enlist," he replied honestly, taking another sip of his beer. "Recovery, as you so delicately put it," he said, flashing her a grin. "But after I did enlist... well, you know. Missions, firefights, climbing the military ladder."

"A career man through and through," Rahna mused. "It suits you, though."

Laughing, Kaidan said, "It's been... interesting. Glad I did it though." He told her about a few of his more notable and unclassified adventures, a lot of them having taken place within the recent months. Naturally, he kept any hint of his and Shepard's relationship to himself. For obvious reasons, he couldn't mention it. For personal reasons, those moments were his to keep.

Time passed and they were chatting as if they were old friends again. He was surprised that he was actually enjoying himself.

Something beeped and Rahna touched her ear, listening intently. When she brought her hand away from her ear, she looked at Kaidan and said apologetically, "I've got to run, Kaidan. My assistant just gave me some really good news about a recent business venture."

"But it's—" he started, glancing down at his watch. His eyes widened and he swallowed.

"Late, I know," Rahna finished, a wry smile on her face. "Good business never sleeps," she told him, and Kaidan got the impression she was quoting her father. She stood to leave, grabbing her purse off the back of her seat, then looked back at Kaidan. "It was really good to see you again, Kaidan," she said after a moment.

"Yeah. And you," he added as he stood up from his own seat.

"Kaidan?"

"Yeah?" he asked distractedly, dropping a few credits on the counter and nodding his thanks to the bartender.

Rahna's brow was furrowed as she took a step closer to him, examining his face. She was a few inches shorter than he was. "Did you ever wonder—if things had been different..."

He hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath until he let it out. "Yeah. Yeah, I wondered. For a long time."

"Do you still?"

"Rahna..."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, drawing back a hand that had been reaching for his cheek. "That was inappropriate of me." She smiled lamely. "Well. Maybe we can see each other again soon?"

Kaidan nodded awkwardly, his hand grasping the back of his neck. "Sure, Rahna."

Rahna pulled him into a one-armed hug, then turned and disappeared into the crowd.

* * *

"She's still in love with you..." Shepard breathed, feeling winded, as though she had fallen flat on her back from a very high place.

"I dunno," Kaidan said. "Maybe."

This was a difficult situation. Shepard desperately wanted to ask Kaidan all the questions that were filling her brain, but even more desperately: she didn't want to know the answers.

Yet she did have to know one thing for sure: "Do you still love her?"

He sighed and looked at his shoes again. "I care about her," he answered honestly. "But no, I don't love her." He looked up, gazing at Shepard with a soft expression in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Shepard."

Relief was washing over her in waves and in spite of his expression, she laughed at him. "You're sorry you don't love her?"

He shook his head and stood straight, striding over to her, where she was still leaning against the door. He placed a hand against the surface of the door, just beside her head, and leaned against it. Looking her right in the eye, he said, "I'm sorry you had to go through this tonight. I'm sorry about the uncomfortable scene after the ceremony, I'm sorry—"

"Would you stop apologizing?" she asked with her eyebrow raised, a half-smile playing on her face. Her hand was suddenly at the back of his neck, pulling him close. Kaidan's eyes were dancing and he wrapped his arms around her, his lips meeting hers.

The kiss was as emotionally charged as the first one they'd shared, before they'd touched down on Ilos. It would have knocked Shepard off her feet if Kaidan hadn't been holding her so tightly. When they finally broke apart, she had to consciously force her eyes open to look at Kaidan.

"Shepard, I—" Kaidan began, but cut himself off. Shepard had a feeling, as she had the day before when they were walking among the crowds on one of the Citadel ward arms, that she knew what he had been about to say. Maybe she felt it, too, but saying it... To say it would be to cement their doom.

Instead, Kaidan kissed her again. Hearts pounding, frantic fingers wrestling with stubborn clothing. Kaidan's hands were warm, creeping under her shirt, but his touch made her shiver a little, sending goosebumps racing down her arms. Somehow they fumbled their way to the bed, to collapse upon it in a heap.

* * *

_A/N: Super long chapter this time. Hope you enjoy. Thanks to Vshard and all my reviewers. Input welcome._


	3. Surprise Attack

Shepard was slowly rousing from a deep sleep, taking in a deep breath and stretching out her arms. Rather abruptly, her balled-up fist whacked something that felt very much like another person's face. Oops.

Kaidan grunted, surprised out of his sleep, and instinct and training had him grabbing Shepard's wrist before his eyes were even open. When they did open, and he saw Shepard lying down beside him looking sheepish, he snorted amusedly. He let go of her wrist and rubbed his nose where her fist had hit him.

"Sorry," she murmured with a smirk, and rolled over to face him.

Glancing sidelong at her, Kaidan gave Shepard a wry smile. "Didn't do any real damage," he assessed. "Although I think I should file a complaint against you for abusing your subordinates, just in case."

"You really think so, Lieutenant?" she teased, rolling herself on top of Kaidan. "Anything I could do to change your—"

"Shepard?!" barked a familiar voice, loud and urgent, through the door of her hotel room.

"Oh shi—" The shout had startled the both of them, and they found themselves rolling right off the edge of the bed, tangled in sheets and blankets.

"Shepard, are you in there?!" came the voice again. A bit softer: "What the hell do you think you're doing? Open the damn door!"

The commander and her lieutenant somehow found each other's eyes in the mess of bedding and exchanged alarmed glances. They'd been so careful; how could anyone know? Hurriedly, Shepard tried to extract herself from the quagmire, whispering softly, "Stay hidden."

She didn't wait for a reply as she gave one final wrench and toppled over the blankets—over them, at least, which meant she was free. She whipped on her scattered fatigues faster than if she had been going through a drill, and was just yanking her second boot on as the door whooshed open to reveal Anderson, a few shades greener than normal, and a fretting asari who had obviously been fumbling to open the door the entire time.

Shepard barely had time to connect Anderson's angry one-sided conversation to the panicked asari, much less be relieved. Swiftly and silently, Anderson seemed to fly across the distance between them before he stopped dead in front of the commander, staring down at her wordlessly, inches from her face. Glaring at her, his eyes seemed to search hers for something unknown to Shepard. He was radiating waves of power and was in that instant incredibly formidable. He almost seemed... panicked.

A few long, tense moments, the captain broke the silence fiercely: "Did you tell the Council you recommended Udina?"

Shepard thought that was an odd question with which to start. "Sir, I—" she began.

"Last night, at the ceremony, the Council asked you who you recommended. _Did you tell them Udina?_" he demanded.

"No, sir, I—I told them you," Shepard told him, trying to reclaim her confidence. What the hell was going on? "Like we'd agreed on earlier."

The captain visibly relaxed: his shoulders slumped and he let out a lungful of air as he collapsed into a nearby chair. He closed his eyes and rubbed a finger between his brows. Shepard looked toward the door and saw the young asari was still looking incredibly upset, hovering in the doorway, looking like she desperately wanted to leave but didn't know if she should.

"You can go now, thank you," Shepard told her, figuring whatever Anderson needed to say, it would be best if she didn't hear. The asari was gone in an instant, and Shepard sat on the edge of the bed and tried to look innocent as Anderson composed himself.

"Sorry, Shepard," Anderson muttered after a time, elbow on his knee supporting his chin. He stared blankly at the floor as he explained, "Udina was... found dead this morning." He sighed and leaned back, meeting Shepard's horrified gaze.

She had never really liked Udina, but the man surely didn't deserve to die. "Sir?" was all she could say.

"He was an obvious _option_ to be the first human Council member..." Anderson went on softly, almost to himself. "But if you suggested me to the Council last night, then that must have not been the reason. He wasn't a very likable man, but to assassinate him..."

"You think an assassin was behind it, sir?" Shepard asked, unable to keep some alarm out of her voice.

Anderson nodded grimly. "Too clean for a regular murder. We may already have some leads..." he trailed off, musing to himself. He shook his head suddenly and seemed to clue in to where he was; taking in the state of the bed and Shepard's hair and rumpled uniform, and the distinctly person-shaped pile of blankets on the floor. His eyes widened in realization.

Shepard would have almost choked in embarrassment if she wasn't dangerously close to exposing herself and Kaidan. She made a futile attempt to smooth her hair. At least it kept her hands busy, in case they felt like giving her away somehow.

Anderson chuckled to himself and said, "Well, I suppose you have yourself a witness if anyone were to point the finger at you."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that, sir," Shepard muttered, feeling blood rise to her cheeks. "I, uh, like to keep my private life... private."

Chuckling again, Anderson stood, and Shepard copied him, saluting him a bit lamely. He waved her salute aside. "I won't begrudge you your leisure time, Commander. God knows you've earned it," he added, sighing.

The awkwardness in the room was immeasurable. Shepard rubbed at the back of her neck and didn't quite meet the captain's eye.

"I am relieved to see you standing here, Shepard. My first thought was that the assassin had gotten to you, as well." A few seconds of silence slipped by and the captain sighed. "Well, I'll see you in the Council meeting in a few hours. I'll leave you to your... business." Shepard got the feeling he was stifling yet another chuckle and shifted her weight uncomfortably as Anderson departed.

When the door hissed shut, leaving Shepard and Kaidan alone in the room, Shepard let out a long breath of relief and slumped back onto the edge of the bed. Kaidan sat up and looked over at her, and they exchanged a sheepish look.

"That... was a little too close for comfort," Kaidan breathed.

Swallowing, Shepard nodded in agreement, still a bit shaken from both the news and the intrusion. "Maybe you should..." she trailed off, not really wanting to ask Kaidan to leave, but knowing she had to.

"Yeah, I know, Shepard," Kaidan answered the unformed question, sighing as he rose to his feet. Neither of them could look the other in the eye as the lieutenant got ready to leave.

* * *

Shepard was meandering slowly up the stairs of the Citadel Tower, marveling at how quickly the repairs had been done; aside from a few scorch marks marring the floor, it was as if her battle with Saren had never happened.

"She's a spectre, not a detective," came the gravely voice of the salarian councilor, wafting down the steps, cutting into her thoughts of her most recent mission.

Apparently, as usual, the Council had decided to start the meeting without their spectre. Shepard wondered if she was really always late, or if they were just impatient. She held in a sigh and continued more quickly up the final flight of stairs, joining the Council in their meeting. They didn't seem to notice.

"But this could have been an attack on humanity!" insisted the newly-instated Councilman Anderson.

"Or it could be a personal vendetta," the soft voice of the asari councilor argued gently. "We have no way of knowing, and that is why the investigation is better suited to C-Sec, at least until we have a better idea of what kind of murder this was."

"I think it's obvious what kind of crime this is," the turian sneered. "You humans are always squabbling amongst yourselves. And _if_ it was intended as an attack on humanity, then it was a poor one; they should have aimed at _you_ instead, Anderson."

While his tone was antagonizing, the turian had a point. For a moment, it looked like Anderson would bite back, but he held his tongue instead. He appeared to be mulling this over, and then finally nodded his agreement, albeit a bit grudgingly.

"Is there some mission I'm supposed to be on that prevents me from investigating?" Shepard's voice cut into the silence, and the Council members' eyes fell on the commander as if they'd only just realized she was there.

"Commander Shepard," the asari councilor said by way of greeting. "We do in fact, have a mission for you."

"Shepard, you asked me about a man named Banes once," Anderson began, his deep voice echoing authoritatively in the large space. Shepard nodded once and Anderson continued, "After I told you about Admiral Kahoku, things seemed to start rolling down a slippery slope, and Kahoku turned up dead."

"Cerberus," Shepard whispered, but they all heard her.

"Yes..." the salarian responded slowly. "A human organization that seems to be dedicated to... experimenting... in various different fields."

"I think that's putting it a bit lightly, Councilor," Shepard told him evenly. She knew enough about that organization to last her a lifetime. "What does Cerberus have to do with my mission?"

Anderson cleared his throat and looked at his other three council members. He seemed agitated. Shepard sucked in a breath and steeled herself for whatever was about to come her way.

"We have an informant, Shepard, by the name of Miranda Lawson," Anderson said, almost as though it pained him to speak the words.

"You want me to work _with Cerberus?_" Shepard asked, incredulous and angry.

"No," came the turian councilor's voice, as if he were appeasing a small child, "we want you to work with an _informant_."

Before Shepard could demand to know the reason why she should be working with a Cerberus informant instead of bleeding all of its employees dry, the salarian councilor cut in. "We have a team of AI specialists working on recovering what information they can from the remnants of Sovereign. Because of the work Cerberus does, it is possible they may have data that would prove invaluable to our specialists."

"Our team of scientists work for Synthetic Insights," the asari explained. "Given your past positive experience with the company, and their expertise with AI, we thought it might be the best arrangement for everyone. Particularly you, as we are sending a manager along with your team aboard the Normandy. It is best we all work peaceably together."

"Keep that in mind when you meet Ms. Lawson," the turian reminded her coldly.

So they were sending Lorik Qui'in to help her liaise with this informant. Shepard liked the turian. He seemed very diplomatic; probably had to be, considering his profession. Which was probably the reason they had chosen him: he could do the talking, and Shepard would be the muscle. A silent reminder to this Miranda that she ought to stay honest.

She could work with that.

The commander was given more details about the mission and her crew was informed they would be departing at 0600 the following day, and then she was dismissed from the meeting.

* * *

The atmosphere aboard the Normandy the next morning was electric. Shepard felt much the same as any of the rest of her crew. Relieved to actually be moving forward in the war against the Reapers, and excited to get back into space. With all the confusion going around about how best to cover up the invasion Sovereign had tried to bring, most had thought it would be months before any real action was done. It wasn't blasting into dark space, guns blazing, but it was something.

The whole crew was present and accounted for, including Liara, Tali, and Wrex. Garrus had rejoined C-Sec and was currently heading the investigation into Udina's assassination. On the bridge, Joker was waiting impatiently to take off. Shepard, standing behind the pilot, watched his fingers twitching over the control panel, eager to take off. She half smiled at the sight.

Kaidan, seated beside Joker, was laughing. "We still have a half hour before we have clearance, Joker," he reminded him teasingly. Shepard got the feeling that her lieutenant took a little bit too much pleasure in seeing Joker squirm.

"Besides, Qui'in isn't even here yet," Shepard added, eyes alight in amusement, her tone echoing her lieutenant's.

Joker ignored them, but he began drumming his fingers on the arm of his chair in irritation. He sat up suddenly and said, "Ah, we have a guest in the decon chamber."

"Must be Qui'in," Kaidan said, standing so as to properly greet their guest.

"Sorry, I'm not late, am I?" came a familiar voice as the doors to the decontamination area opened. A feminine voice.

Commander Shepard had the strangest sensation: like she was hitting her forehead against a desk. Really, she should have seen this one coming. An echo of a news announcement rattled through her brain: _Synthetic Insights, alongside Noveria's executive board, is still going through litigation with former Administrator Anoleis._ Naturally, Lorik Qui'in would be unavailable, and naturally, that meant the one person that would be coming aboard the Normandy, out of trillions in the galaxy, was none other than Rahna Pamuk.

"Fasten your seat belts," muttered Joker. "We're in for a bumpy ride."

* * *

_A/N: As always, many thanks to Vshard. I would also like to express my gratitude to my readers and my reviewers. The time you take to review means so much to me. Thank you! Questions, comments and suggestions always welcome._


	4. Barriers

_When we last left off, Rahna had just joined the crew of the Normandy as the lead scientist investigating Sovereign's wreck. She and the commander had been assigned to a mission to speak with Miranda Lawson and exchange information regarding the Reapers. (Been so long, I thought you guys might need a little update!)_

* * *

"What was the point of that?" Rahna asked, exasperated, once the squad had assembled in the comm room to discuss the latest 'mission.'

"There was no point, clearly," Shepard answered icily, angry and frustrated at this new road block. Naturally, Cerberus hadn't been honest with them and while the commander had suspected the enigmatic corporation would try to deceive them, their 'terms' had been, as far as the commander was concerned, absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. She stood up and leaned against the railing running across the back of the room, flipping through her options silently. If Cerberus wasn't going to cooperate, maybe there was some way the Alliance could—

"With all due respect, Commander..." Rahna began, interrupting her thoughts, "why didn't you agree to join them like they requested?"

There was a brief moment of silence as most people's faces filled with shock and disgust. Liara was the first to recover and before anyone else could dig into Rahna, the asari politely explained, "Miss Pamuk, in our travels, we have come across Cerberus a few times. There is nothing about them that can be trusted, nor relied upon. It is very possible they do not have any real information at all and just want to capture the commander."

"There could be any number of realities," Kaidan pitched in grimly. "But the important thing is that we can't lose Shepard." There was a small hint of strain in Kaidan's voice; briefly, Shepard wondered if anyone else had noticed, before her thoughts moved on.

She thought back to the assassination of Udina on the Citadel, only a few short days ago, and of Anderson's worry that she was the next target. Somehow, she had already accepted the idea that Udina just pissed off the wrong person. Wasn't that hard to imagine, really – she'd come close a few times herself with the arrogant man. Yet, now that she thought about it, no person who can afford an assassin would hire one just because they are angry. Obviously, there had to be some other reason, but she just had a gut feeling that his assassination had nothing to do with her. She didn't want to know what that man might have been up to, in any case.

"They wouldn't have come to the Alliance with nothing; no business functions that unwisely," Rahna pointed out, disbelieving. "We _needed_ that information." She sighed, practically pouting, as if she were a little girl who had been promised and then denied candy.

"I'm aware of that, thank you," Shepard said coolly, folding her arms across her chest and staring at the floor. When it became obvious no one had anything more to say, she said, while still looking at the floor, "Dismissed."

"Commander," came Joker's voice over the comm, "Anderson wants to talk to you."

"All right," Shepard said, trying to shake off her animosity. "Patch him through."

Seconds later, Shepard was looking at a holo of Anderson with his hands folded behind his back. "Sir," she said, saluting him out of habit.

"I read the report, Shepard." Anderson's deep voice was grim. "They really gave you nothing?"

"Not a word," Shepard told him. She sighed and frowned. "Miranda wasn't an informant, although I'm not sure how Cerberus managed to convince the Alliance that she ever was... She seemed high up in whatever kind of ranks they have. She just told me that they wanted _me_ in exchange for information."

"Tricky bunch," Anderson mused, although he didn't appear the least bit surprised. "What did you tell them?"

"'Over my dead body,'" the commander quoted herself.

Anderson chuckled darkly. "Hopefully it won't come to that." He sighed. "Did they say why they were interested in you?"

"It's Cerberus, sir," Shepard said with a shrug, feeling that was answer enough. "They gave me the terms and that was that. No explanation, nothing. I just hope they don't want to capture me and run some kind of experiment."

"Or worse," Anderson offered.

"Thanks, sir," Shepard said dryly, quirking a half-smile at him.

"I'm serious, Shepard," the new councilor said. "Watch your back. Who knows what they're up to."

"What should I do in the meantime, sir?" Shepard asked, eager for something to do to take her mind off her possible pending assassination.

"Civilian ships have been reporting geth in the area," Anderson said so swiftly that Shepard knew this had to have been the real point of the call.

"Lucky they lived to tell the tale," Shepard commented lightly.

"Indeed," the man replied. "The Council believes the best course of action right now is, well... to take action. Target the geth for a while until we have some better information to offer the public."

"That might be a long while," Shepard said, placing her hands on the railing and leaning against it. "I might have trouble keeping the crew motivated when we all know what the real threat is."

"You'll just have to do your best, Shepard," Anderson told her with a shrug. "Not much else we can do at the moment. Can't take the war to the Reapers when we know so little about them. How many are out there? And how many Reapers does it take to wipe out an entire Alliance fleet?"

Shepard understood his questions were moot and said nothing.

The former captain sighed again. "Anyway, Joker has the coordinates to take you to the geth site. Good luck, Shepard, though I doubt you'll need it." He nodded solemnly, then ordered, "Send in Lieutenant Alenko; I need to have a word with him."

"Yes, sir," Shepard immediately responded, saluting a final time. She wondered... did Anderson know? If he had, surely he would have said something to her first, as she was the superior officer and therefore at fault. Still, she couldn't stop the thought from nagging at her.

Exiting the comm room, she saw Kaidan conversing with Navigator Pressly. "Lieutenant," Shepard called. "Anderson wants a word." In the few seconds they made eye contact, they had had a silent conversation:

_Is it about us—?_

_Don't know._

_If it is..._

_We'll take things as they come._

Kaidan nodded, but Shepard didn't feel as assured as the look she had given Kaidan might have indicated.

Distracted now, the commander found herself wandering down to the mess and taking a seat there. Lost in thought about Cerberus' scam and wondering about what Anderson was saying to her lieutenant, Shepard hadn't noticed that someone had seated themselves across from her. She was jolted back to reality when Rahna's voice broke through her contemplation. She looked at Rahna and realized she must have missed something she said. "What?"

"May I speak with you?" the scientist repeated.

"Oh. Sure, Rahna," Shepard said, slightly wary. "Something on your mind?"

"I wanted to apologize," Rahna said.

"For what?"

"For saying you should have turned yourself over to Cerberus," the woman explained, shifting awkwardly in her seat. "I know what you mean to... or for... humanity. I just got a little frustrated... I was hoping to learn something to... help with my research, or some sort of breakthrough, or..." she sighed, looking as through she was about to pull out her hair. "Anything, really. We aren't getting a lot of information from the wreck. Most of it's been looted, or was just lost in space, and we really don't have much to go on." She smiled in a hopeless sort of way at Shepard. "I love my work. I hate when I can't _do_ it."

Half-smiling, Shepard nodded. "Yeah, I hear you." _All too well. Geth? Really?_

"This project is so huge... not just the scope of the work, but the general sense of what Reapers are, and what they mean for organics. I find my scientific curiosity getting the better of me. So if I seemed rash... well, like I said, I'm sorry."

"I get it," Shepard said. It was true. She could understand Rahna's passion for her job; after all, she was Commander Shepard: she _was_ the job. "Don't worry about it."

"It must be annoying to work with me," Rahna mused after a time.

More than she knew. Shepard raised an eyebrow quizzically at the woman.

"I just mean, well, you can't really order civilians around," Rahna clarified with a wry smile.

Shepard snorted lightly in amusement.

"And I can be quite stubborn," she persisted, a hint of humour in her voice.

"You? Never," Shepard replied sarcastically.

Rahna laughed and then went quiet for a moment. "Commander, I... overheard that your next mission involves a geth encampment."

"Yes," Shepard responded, fixing Rahna with a sharp, suspicious look.

"May I join you?" she asked, and then continued at a rush before Shepard cold say no, "It's just that maybe we can learn something from the geth since they seem to have evolved... hoppers and the like, plus you did mention in one of your reports they seemed to have some kind of shrine set up; where was it?" She paused only for a moment, perhaps realizing the commander had been about to cut it, "No matter. Anyway, it all shows something remarkable about the geth and while I can't place what that 'something' is, I would like to learn more about it. The best way would be to watch them operate in the field before we take them back to examine them, behavioral patterns, studying their bodies, or maybe we could find another shrine..." she trailed off, seeming to speak more to herself.

"'Operate in the field?'" Shepard repeated hollowly, stunned. "Rahna, geth don't mine ore or build hovercars. They kill people. Taking you to the site would be an incredible risk... one I can't let you take. Not to mention you'd be endangering my entire squad just as much as yourself. Bring a civilian to a battleground? No."

"Please, Commander, you have to let me go," Rahna insisted. "I'll stay out of the way, I swear."

"You can't stay out of the way, Rahna," Shepard said firmly. "They will find you, and then they will kill you. You don't even know how to fire a gun—"

"But I have biotics," Rahna told her, clearly determined. "I can protect myself."

Trying very hard not to roll her eyes, Shepard asked, "You 'have biotics?' Wouldn't most biotics say they _are _a biotic?" The commander let her words sink in and watched the scientist's expression slowly morph into that of a child whose hand had been caught in the cookie jar. "When was the last time you used them?"

Rahna didn't meet Shepard's gaze as she responded shiftily, "Well, I can't – to pinpoint exactly... not _that_ long ago..."

Shepard folded her arms across her chest as she said, "That's what I thought. I can't let you come with us."

"Please, Commander," Rahna said again, her eyes pleading at Shepard. "I need _something_ to go on. You of all people have to understand..."

Shepard sighed and closed her eyes briefly. She paused for a long moment, deep in thought. She wanted the research to be a success as much as anyone else; more, in fact. But this idea seemed incredibly unwise. Having her out there posed a danger to her crew, because they would not only be having to watch themselves, but another person – a defenseless one – entirely. In comparison to Rahna, everyone else was expendable. They could not let a civilian die, much less the lead of the most important scientific discovery team in history. Yet... there was something about Rahna's determined look... Finally, she nodded. "Fine. You keep a barrier up at _all_ times, and stay out of sight. We have a spare hardsuit you can borrow."

"Thank you, Commander," Rahna said, closing her eyes and breathing out a lungful of air in relief, then smiling wide. "Thank you for giving me this chance." She stood to leave, looking ready to skip off in delight.

"And Rahna," Shepard said warningly, "when you are on the battlefield, you _are_ in my command and you _will_ listen to whatever I say."

* * *

"I can't believe you agreed to this, Shepard," Kaidan was saying rather loudly in the commander's office. "What the hell were you thinking? Are you trying to get her killed?"

Shepard stared at her lieutenant for a moment in utter disbelief before she spat sarcastically, "Yes. Yes, Kaidan, that's exactly my goal here. I want to get Rahna killed; nothing would make me happier than to see another person die on this mission."

Kaidan stared at Shepard hard, his mouth a thin line, his hands grasping the back of a chair so tightly his knuckles were white. They stared each other down angrily for a long moment or two, until finally, Kaidan's shoulders slumped a little and he broke his gaze, looking down at the seat of the chair and shaking his head.

"I know you aren't trying to get her killed," Kaidan sighed. "But, Shepard... letting a civilian come with us into known geth territory? You have a responsibility—"

"You think I don't know that?" Shepard interrupted, still fuming. She paced the length of the room, trying to calm herself down. "I _tried_ to tell her no, Kaidan. I really did."

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and sighed again. "Of course you did," he said dully. "I know that. I'm sorry, Shepard. I guess I'm just... a little on edge."

She could empathize. They were both under a lot of pressure now. She found herself wondering about what Anderson had wanted to say to Kaidan, but didn't feel it was appropriate to ask. If he could tell her, he would, and if it was classified, she had to no right to put him in that sort of position – tell his lover and disobey their superior, or obey their superior and feel like he was keeping secrets from his lover. So instead, she commented offhand, as the tension in the air slowly dissipated, "She's tough to say no to, that one. Like a kid. She gets so excited and wide-eyed..."

Kaidan let out a soft, quick, humourless laugh. "If you'd had most of your childhood stolen from you, wouldn't you try to hang on to whatever was left of it?"

* * *

The lieutenant didn't want to be Rahna's protector on the battlefield. He felt drained; there was something different about covering a civilian than your squadmates. Earlier, she had shown him how she could still muster a biotic barrier, but the effort drained her visibly and the effect didn't last long. "Don't tell Shepard," she had said with an impish grin.

He felt like his senses were being pulled in too many directions. Watch the geth, duck down, then back up, fire on the geth, watch Shepard, cover Tali, check to make sure Rahna was alive.

"Please don't worry about me, Kaidan," she had said. "I'll be fine."

"Yeah, I just don't get how you expect to stay out of view and watch them at the same time," Kaidan had replied.

He glanced over at her now, and she was intensely focused on her omni-tool, entering commands, watching readings. Occasionally she did have to stick her head out, but she was careful; her barrier was weak, but she kept it up as long as she could, and when she ducked back down into cover, it was only when she could no longer handle the strain of keeping the barrier up. She seemed to be doing all right, following orders. Still, he worried, even though this geth encampment seemed... hopeless? Something felt different about fighting the geth now. They weren't as scary now with their big leader of doom reduced to scrap metal.

"Can't be many left," came Tali's voice in Kaidan's ear as she spoke to the group through their comms. "Almost feels like..."

"They're wasting our time?" came Wrex's voice, seemingly irritated by the lack of foes, or possibly the mission itself. Kaidan watched him stand up and blast his shotgun into a twitching geth. Just to make sure.

"No geth prime... not even a destroyer," Tali noted, her fingers a blur over her omni-tool as she tried to find readings of more geth, not ready to give the all-clear.

Most of them mimicked Tali and fiddled with their omni-tools, as if suspicious that the geth were trying to trick them somehow. Kaidan heard Shepard sigh in disappointment or frustration; he couldn't quite tell. He looked over at his commander, and just for a split second, maybe longer, his thoughts wandered as he watched her work away at her omni-tool. The way the studious expression on Shepard's face always made him smile inwardly; the mission Anderson had given him; how he could have possibly gotten himself into a stickier situation... He saw Shepard frown and glance up sharply; Kaidan's stomach dropped out as he followed her gaze, saw the red line jet across the distance, aimed right for—

"Rahna!" the lieutenant shouted, diving for her. A hundred thoughts filled his mind as he dove through the air; what he was trying to do, he didn't know, but he hadn't been watching her as she got out of cover – she must have thought she was safe, she should have waited, _he_ _should have watched her_. Shots were fired, he was too slow, too far away – Rahna flared with blue light, then collapsed. Something tore inside Kaidan; he rolled off of her the instant he fell on top of her limp body. If she was dead, he was to blame.

"Sniper down." Wrex's voice was almost nonchalant.

"Lieutenant, report." Shepard, at least, had the courtesy to sound aggrieved.

He pulled himself up enough to crawl over to Rahna. As he looked at her limp form, he found he didn't really know what to do. Memories and familiar images flashed before him as he watched her lie there, blood trickling out of her nose and ear. He could see her, a teenager, reaching for her glass of water – a simple act, really; she was thirsty. She was so tired of her nose always bleeding – she just couldn't get the hang of it.

"Lieutenant Alenko. _Report_," Shepard demanded; her voice was loud and firm, but he could barely hear it.

"God _dammit_," he mumbled. He should have been watching her – Rahna, not Shepard. What a fine soldier he was. Vyrnnus came to the forefront of his mind, his turian brow raised cockily, mandibles flaring, coming at Kaidan with murder in his beady eyes. The talon. He felt his nerve endings prickle as he readied himself—

"Better watch it, Alenko," came Wrex's voice, low and rumbling in warning. "You could hurt somebody."

"Alenko," Shepard said. After a moment's pause with no response from him, she tried again. "_Alenko_." Once more, a pause and then her voice, gentler this time: "Kaidan. You need to get a hold of yourself. What's Rahna's status?"

The lieutenant was glowing a very vibrant, and very threatening blue. In that instant, the glow died and he swallowed, closing his eyes. A moment. Two. He opened them and really looked at Rahna this time. No holes, just a nosebleed.

"She's fine, ma'am," he said, a little stiffly. Of course, they all knew that. They just wanted him to see that. Shepard was already barking orders through her comm to Joker. _Civilian down, unconscious but unharmed, prep med bay_. Rahna was already stirring.

"Dammit, Shepard!" Kaidan spat suddenly as a knot that had formed in his stomach unwound rather violently. He wheeled on her, needing to yell.

"We've already had this discussion, Lieutenant," his commander said evenly, just a hint of a threat in her voice.

"She could have died!" he continued angrily, pointing out the obvious.

"It was her choice to come on the mission," Shepard reminded him; he already knew. "She didn't wait for the all-clear."

"Why didn't you stop her then?" he asked forcefully, eyes narrowed. He already knew this, as well.

"Because _you_ should have," the commander retorted with just as much force, eyes flashing. "And you know that as well as I do. You told me you had your baggage together, Alenko; were you lying to me?" She didn't wait for answer. "_Get it together_... or I won't hesitate to send you packing."

A retort was on the tip of his tongue, his index finger hovering in accusation, but the commander had a point. He dropped his hand and his jaw fell open a little. Having Rahna around was bringing back memories he'd thought he'd put a tight lid on years ago. It was disconcerting – almost eerie. Something else that didn't sit well with him was the verbal lashing he'd just given – or _tried_ to give – his commanding officer. His thoughts were interrupted by a small voice.

"Kaidan." Rahna's voice was barely a whisper. "Always fighting for me. Stop it." He turned to look at Rahna, still lying in a heap on the ground, managing a very faint half-smile. Or quarter-smile. Or possibly a wince.

"I told you to follow my orders," Shepard lectured, although her tone was gentle, as she moved to Rahna's side to help her sit up. "For a very smart person, that was really stupid."

Rahna chuckled softly, which turned to coughing. "Yes," she agreed in amusement after the coughing passed. "I didn't..." she trailed off and then corrected herself: "Couldn't wait." She closed her eyes, inhaling. "Scientific curiousity."

"Well it nearly got you killed," Kaidan said softly as he knelt down on the other side of Rahna.

"First time I've... ever been grateful," Rahna mumbled. "My biotics," she clarified, then coughed again. Her nose was still bleeding, although not as heavily. "Uch," she moaned thickly through the blood. "Still hate them."

"Maybe they hate you too," Kaidan murmured, a joke he'd once told her long ago.

She looked at him and smiled weakly.

Shepard shot him a fleeting look before saying, "Let's get you back to the ship." Together, she and Kaidan stood, supporting Rahna on both sides as they did so.

* * *

_A/N: At long last! Hopefully it was worth the wait. The timing of the fic was bad, written when BioWare kept churning out new information every week. While I knew this would be AU, I didn't want to go too overboard, so I had to rewrite a lot of what I'd had planned. For example, I'd had a long scene with Miranda, then I kept having to change it and trim it until finally it was nearly pointless to include it, so I removed it altogether. :\ Sorry to anyone who felt she was missing. It should all work out for the best, though. As always, thanks Vshard for giving this a once over 'cause it probably would have been too slow and long if she hadn't. Thanks for all your guys' patience. Input welcome._


End file.
